UFV Underworld's Funniest Home Videos
by silverkiss888
Summary: (repost of Did you just say weird) So THATS what happens when you put the vamps and lycans in the human world! LOTSA bloopers
1. And So It Starts

(A/N: remember us?

Anya: We're back, palls!

Marie: Yah! We' like cockroaches!

Anya: -looks at Marie O.o- … Ew…

Marie: Wha'! Ya can neva get rid o'us! cackle

Anya: -silence-

Marie: -coughs- Yeah… right sorry bout that… -looks at Anya- Yes.. go on…

Anya: … Yeah… right. Yeah, well, as I was saying, we're back to lighten up the Underworld story section with our crazy Underworld humour!

Marie: Yah… Because SOMEONE thought it FUNNY to DELETE our story! -glares at whoever's guilty- Anyway so we're basically reposting what we had, but with a few changes… So enjoy!

Anya: And.. don't you forget to REVIEW! -grins-

Marie: -smiles and nods-)

On the set, the cast of Underworld are filming the scene when Amelia's messenger, Dimtri, is doing his boring speech in front of the whole mansion of Ordoghaz ("The Devil's House"). Kraven is sitting cross-legged in his "personal" couch as he scratches his chin, lost in his thoughts.

He then brings his glass of "fresh" blood to his lips and takes a sip. But as fast as it came in, it came out. Spitting the blood all over his couch.

Manager: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

Everyone: OO

Kraven: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RUBBISH! twitching madly

Viktor: It's called blood, you idiot. sarcastically Want me to spell it for you?

Kraven: But….. but bloody hell, it's coagulating in my glass!

Everyone: OO look down at their glass with disgust

Erika: Well. it is true, actually. she said as an after thought

Viktor: glares at Kraven Kraven! When did you buy this stuff?

Kraven: shoots hands in the air It wasn't me!

Offstage, you could actually hear Michael singing joyfully "she saw the marks on my shoulder -- it wasn't me --heard the words that I told her -- it wasn't me -heard the screaming getting louder -- it wasn't me"

Everyone: O.O SHUT UP!

Michael: -grins evilly- "Shut up, just shut up, shut up!.." he drifts away, humming to himself

Kraven: -Rolls his eyes- It was Soren who bought it! -points at Soren-

Erika: -sarcastically- Hurray, Soren. What was the expiration date?

Soren: Uh. -scratches his head- 1456? Or something like that, I can't remember really. or maybe 1678?

Selene: That's it, I've had it. -pours her coagulating blood glass on his head-

Soren: -freaks out- HEY! That's my fave shirt!

Selene: So? get a new one. -shrugs and leaves the hall after Michael-

Everyone: O.O

At night.

Manager: Okay, wrap it up!

Kraven, who would do anything to gain popularity, raises his arm in the air as holding his wallet.

Kraven: Okay, who wants to come with me at the restaurant?

Selene, Michael, Erika, Sonja and Lucian: Uh... well... hum... -trying to drift away-

Kraven: My treat!

Everyone: Oh, well, in that case...

In the parking lot.

Selene: I'm driving!

Kraven: And I get the front seat!

Michael: -glares- Hey, hey, wow, wow, wow, there, hold on! Don't get your knickers all twisted up, I get the front seat!

Kraven: -shows his wallet- I'm the one paying, aren't I?

Michel glares even more, lowers his head, growls, and slides in the middle back seat beside Erika. Behind them Sonja and Lucian are sitting.

In the car.

Selene is humming while driving towards an unidentified place

Kraven: Hum. -shifts nervously- Where are you taking us?

Selene: To the Grand Chic restaurant, of course. Why?

Everyone surprised by Selene's choice: O.O

Kraven: And. -stuttering, laughing nervously- I-I-I'm paying. right?

Michael: Of course you are. You invited us. -glares evilly at the back of Kraven's head- Didn't you?

Kraven: Uh…… yeah? -sounding more like a question-

Lucian: -breaks the silence- And I'm not even wearing a tux!

Everyone looks at him oddly (except Sonja, of course)

Sonja: -smiles sweetly- Aw, sweetie, it's okay, don't worry, you look perfect as always.

Lucian: -Smirks at the camera- Yes, I know, dear.

Kraven: -mumbles and rolls eyes- Look at the ego.

Selene, being the only one who heard, reaches behind his head and smacks him.

Kraven: -hissing- OW!

Michael: Okay, I think we just lost the attention of two people in the back seat.

Erika: -turns around- Whoa! -eyes wide opened, seeing Lucian and Sonja making out passionately-

Everyone else: O.O

Kraven: ... Ew. I have been scared for life. ... -silence- Ow!

At the Grand Chic

Selene, Michael, Kraven, Erika, Lucian, and Sonja are in the lineup, where, just ahead of them, are a VERY old couple. The waiter arrives and asks the VERY old couple:

Waiter: -terrible French accent- Good evening. Zmoking or not zmoking?

VERY old woman: -backhands her VERY old husband on his arm- Honey, are you gonna smoke the damn cigars Doris gave you for our fifty-fifth anniversary ?

VERY old man: Well, it depends, you know. if I eat steak I will, if I eat soup I won't. What do you think?

VERY old woman: Well, on the other side, you might die of intoxication. -adds as an after thought- Doris never seems to pick up the right cigars, does she? -turns around and laughs out loud, looking straight at Kraven who looks sternly at her-

VERY old man: Harriet, it's not her fault if she suffers of amnesia. Poor woman, barely seventy years old and she wakes up, not remembering who her husband was.

VERY old woman: That's why she's now stuck with his younger brother -turns around and laughs with Kraven (only that she's the only one laughing there) as this one glares at her and starts to get quite impatient.-

Waiter: -same terrible French accent- Zmoking or not zmoking?

VERY old woman: Well, I don't know, what about you, Rodney?

VERY old man: Well, I don't know, my teeth are yellow enough as they are.

Kraven: FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

VERY old man startles and starts twitching as he dies of a heart attack. He falls to the floor as Selene, Michael, Lucian, Sonja, and Erika stare wide eyes at the scene while Kraven's jaws are on the floor.

Very old man: -sqwaks-... -dies-

Everyone including the gang: O.O

Kraven tries to drift away as Selene grabs him by the arm and he stays still

Michael: -raises finger in the air, gasping for air - What about calling an ambulance?

Waiter: -same horrible and irritating French accent- Good idea! -presses on the emergency switch below his desk- Done. Zmoking or not zmoking? -grins widely... especially at Michael, Lucian, and Kraven-

Michael, Lucian and Kraven: ... O.O

Selene: NOT smoking.

Waiter: -Horrible French accent that's starting to get on Kraven's nerves- Pleaze follow me. -grins joyfully-

Michael: -bending over Lucian's shoulder- I tell ya. I think that guy swings the other way.

Lucian: Uh, huh. -stares at the body of the really old man- ... -tilts his head- Doyou really think he's dead?

Sonja: -tries to be optimistic- I'm sure there's still hope for him. poor guy, barely... ninety... years... old... -she seams to slow down when she speaks, not sure about what she's saying-

Erika: Really? You really think he's gonna live? -eyes wide with surprise-

Sonja: -.- No, frankly I think he's dead.

Erika: -deceptively- ...Oh.

A scornful old woman passes by them and rolls her eyes.

Scornful woman: Humph! Look at that, Edward! Not even a tuxedo on.

Lucian: -snarls- -.- I knew it.

They went to the table and sat. Kraven noticed, to his dismay, children seated at the table in back of his seat. 'Oh-oh.'

Selene: Ok, Michael, you sit here. Erika, beside Kraven -Erika wriggles her eyebrows at Kraven-, Sonja, next to Erika and Lucian, next to Sonja. And I'm between Michael and Kraven.

Kraven: ... -.- I think we noticed.

Selene: -hissing and showing off her fangs-

The waiter arrives with the menus.

Waiter: -ginning madly- 'Ere iz your menuz. -eyes glinting-

Lucian, as he got his menu: -leans in and whispers to Michael- I think he likes his job too much.

Michael : -sniggering- Mister! You look happy, are you? -Lucian snorts, hiding his face behind his menu and Sonja glares at Michael-

Waiter: -face lights up- OOhh! Ov courze! Ah ha! I'm happy, happy, happy, all night long!

Everyone: O.O

Kraven: Uh.. ya. um. What are you guys ordering?

Erika: OoOoOoOo. Do you have 'fresh' blood -looks pointedly at Kraven who shoots his hands up in innocence.-

Everyone: O.O

Kraven: It wasn't me! -outraged- It was Soren! He bought it!

Michael -opens his mouth to sing something but was interrupted by Selene.-

Selene: Don't even think about it! -pointing at him-

Waiter: Ov courze I do! -laughing merrily- Vant to taste? -jokingly-

Erika: ...Hmmm... -licks lips-

A few seconds later, we see the waiter yelping as shaking his hand in the air in a 'gay' way. Frightened to death, he was crying his eyes out, accompanied by two waiters, he left to the kitchens.

moment of silence-

Selene: Erika! -outraged- Did you HAVE to bite him!

Erika: What! -annoyed- It looked tasty... kinda bony though.

Everyone: O.o

Lucian: -rolls his eyes- So let's order.

Everyone: -opens their menus-

Sonja: -breaking the silence- Uh.. Lads.. it's .. in. um French...

DUN DUN DUN!


	2. Non, mais!

And back at the Grand Chic, a part of the Underworld gang is sitting at a table, looking at the menus. The French menus…

Everyone: O.O

Kraven : What! -turns to Selene, speechless- Selene... what does that mean!

Selene: What? Everyone needs some diversity sometimes! -rolls her eyes and returns to her menu-

Kraven: -stuttering- B-b-but... what exactly were you thinking? How do you expect me to understand a damn word that is listed in that bloody menu?

Michael: It's true, Selene, we don't understand anything in French. -adds as an after thought- And may it stay as it is.

Erika: -scrolls down her menu- Yeah, take the beverages for instance: what does 'Coca Light' mean?

Everyone: -.-

Kraven: -gives her a blank look- It's a Cola, you stupid bimbo.

Erika: Oh. -realises what Kraven just said- HEY!

Sonja: -annoyed- Can we just order, please?

Selene: -mutters- Finally someone cooperating.

Lucian: Good idea, I suggest that we just pick something from the menu.

Kraven: -stares blankly at him- You're kidding, aren't you.

Lucian: -with lycan eyes and snarls- Do I look like I'm kidding?

Kraven: Fine! As you wish! -returns to his menu as everyone does so. At this moment, he feels like something hitting the back of his head. He turns around and sees a little brat of a kid grinning madly at him, with a straw and some Kleenex papers in his hands- Piss off, punk!

Lucian: -raises his head and glares disbelievingly at Kraven- Would you like to repeat that? You blood sucking creature!

Selene: Now, now. No need for harsh words, guys.

Everyone, save Michael: -glares at Selene-

Selene: -sinks in her chair and gives a feeble 'sorry…?'.

Michael: O.O –knocks on Selene's head- Selene? Is that you?

Selene: -.- … no shit, it's the Pope.

Everyone: … -.-

Lucian: Back to the matter at hand, KRAVEN. –glares-

Kraven: -looks confused- I'm sorry?

Lucian: I am no – puts emphasis on the word- PUNK.

Kraven: … OH! Nah, man… -laughs nervously- it's a misunderstanding, I wasn't----

Lucian: - cuts him off and laughs sarcastically- I'm not stupid, dude, you just told me to sod off!

Kraven: No, I didn't! I was talking to--- - at this moment, the same fucking brat throws him another spit ball- -Kraven dryly turns around- I told you to fuck off, you son of a bitch!

Lucian: -stands up with anger- I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SWEARING, YOU ASSHOLE! IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT, THERE'S A PARKING LOT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW WAITING FOR YOUR ASS TO LIE DEAD ON IT!

Kraven: -stands up, outraged- What the fuck are you talking about, you jerk, I haven't talked to you at all! -adds as an after thought- And besides, what's the interest in speaking with a filthy animal like you, anyway?

Sonja gasps in shock as Selene, Michael, and Erika: O.O

Selene: Can we just NOT fight in here!

Michael: -whimpers, to Selene- WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME!

Selene: … -.- Jesus.

Collective gasp from Michael and Erika.

Selene: -rolls eyes-

Lucian: -to Kraven- -with clenched teeth - You're starting to get on my nerves, you fuckin bastard--

At this point, the major part of the restaurant have their heads turned towards their table and Selene, Michael, Sonja, and Erika feel like sinking under the table.

Selene: -between her teeth- Kraven, you bloody idiot, can you just put your ass on your chair and shut the fuck up? Everyone has their eyes stuck on your spankable ugly face!

Kraven looks around as he glares at the crowd and slowly sits down. But instead of sitting on his chair, he falls on the floor. He then hears innocent giggles coming from behind. He looks over his shoulder and sees this same bloody brat that has been harassing him fro the last ten bloody minutes.

Kraven: -gets up in a hurry- YOU FUCKIN' SON OF A BITCH, FUCK OFF OR I'LL DRINK YOUR ENTIRE BLOOD TO THE LAST GULP!

Lucian: -brings his hand to his forehead in understanding- Oh! So, he was talking to the kid!

Selene: Kraven, for heaven's sake, it's only a kid!

Kraven: -turns to Selene- Screw the age, I feel like eating him up! -turns to the kid. The kid isn't here anymore. Instead, a tall and brawny man is standing. The kid's father. (Picture Kane from WWE)

Everyone: O.O

A few moments later, they all got their plates they ordered and Kraven has a huge black eye.

Erika: -looks disgustingly at her plate- This doesn't even look edible.

Michael: -shrugs and smiles- Actually, what I'm eating's really good! Finally, it was an awesome idea to come here, Selene.

Kraven: -mutters- Speak for yourself. -rubs his black eye- Ouch!

Lucian: For once you're right, dude. -looks weirdly at what he's been TRYING to eat- What the heck is that stuff anyway?

Sonja: -blankly- Why don't you ask the waiter?

Lucian: -looks blankly back at her- Right. That would be smart. "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what I'm eating exactly?" I'll look like a dork.

Kraven: -mutters- Nothing new. -Selene slowly reaches behind his head and hits him- Ouch! . 

Michael: Come on, dude, what do you have to lose?

Lucian: My reputation. -we hear Kraven mutters "oh, what a loss, really." And then a "ouch!"-

Michael: -tossing his "unidentified" food in his mouth and speaking to Lucian- Yep, you're right.

Lucian: -moment of silence- And bloody hell, screw it. Uh, 'scuse me, sir...

He calls for a sturdy man who's passing by with a pile of trays in his hands, but this one goes away and instead, a young, blonde waitress arrives. Lucian's jaws are at this point on the floor as Sonja glares at him, Selene enjoys her meal, Michael OVER-enjoys his meal, Kraven is rubbing his black eye, and Erika's staring weirdly at her plate.

Waitress: -smiles in a very cheesy way- How may I help you?

Lucian: -stutters- Uh... hi. -moment of silence- -receives Sonja's elbow in the ribs- Ow! Uh, yeah, hum... could you please tell me what I'm eating? -waitress stares blankly at him and Lucian thinking "great..." sarcastically- Uh, I mean... I just want to know... I'm not eating... brains or anything such as this, am I?

Waitress: -Cheesy smile back on her face and laughs merrily- No, no, no! Not at all! -Michael takes a bite of the appreciated meal of his- Mister, here is enjoying the brains. -puts her hands on Michael's shoulders-

Everyone: O.O

Lucian: -Grins mockingly after letting out a huge sigh of relief- Oh, thanks! I just wanted to make sure!

At this point, Michael's hue turns green and he remains with his mouth opened till the waitress is out of sight. When she leaves, he spits the food in his napkin (sounding like that: blughhhhhhhhh) and heads to the washroom, without saying a word, yet gagging every two seconds.

Everyone: O.O

At this moment, the doors of the restaurant slam open and Viktor storms in, followed by Soren. He doesn't look quite happy. What a surprise!

Everyone (including people in the restaurant): O.O

Lucian: -rolls eyes- Fuck, not again.

Erika: Uh-oh.

Viktor: -glares deadly at Lucian- YOU! What in the bloody hell are you doing with my daughter?

Sonja : -stares mournfully at her plate-

Kraven: -throws his arms around his head with a pained expression on his face, afraid that Viktor would hit him any second.

Lucian: Uh…. Having dinner?

Viktor: …O.o… -looks outraged- Your kind… -realises he was about to spill out the Truth- … of blood… -looks uneasily around the room- will never be good enough for my daughter…!

Random guy in the room: OH, THAT WAS A LOW SHOT!

Other random people: YEAH! –unidentified blabber ensues-

Viktor: -glares around the room, silently seething- … You think you're funny, do you!

Lucian: -silence- … yes…?

Same random guy: OOOOOOH BUUUUUUUURN!

Viktor: … Sonja! I order you to follow me NOW! I do not want you in the presence of this bea--- man! (A/N: he was gonna say beast btw)

Random guy: A bee! Right, and I'm Spiderman!

Sonja: -clearly embarrassed, gives a whimper-like:- Daaaaaaaaaaad………

Lucian: -has an idea- Oh, but you see, my dear friend –emphasis on word 'friend'- we're here by the invitation of Kraven, here. –gives a small, friendly punch on Kraven's shoulder, while smirking mischievously.

Kraven squeals and dares to look up, fearing that Viktor could kill him at any split second. Then, Viktor glares down at him and Kraven sinks under the table, squealing fearfully.

Spit ball kid behind: HAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! –points and laughs-

Kraven under the table: D'oh!

Lucian: -gives up a huge yawn and casually puts his arm around Sonja's shoulders, smirking like he's never smirked in his life. (if that made any sense whatsoever)

Viktor: -gives up a growl of pure exasperation, knowing that he could never have anything done in front of these "bloody humans", how he calls them- -stalks off-

Erika: -quick on her feet, cries out- Viktor, wait! Caviar sauté really isn't my thing you know! –follows him-

Kraven: -realises he's still under the table- Hey! –tries to get out but bumps his head in the process- D'oh! –stands up finally and throws his wallet on the table- I've had it. I'm leaving. Take all the money you'd like, BUT I'M LEAVING THIS AWFUL PLACE!

Lucian: -eyes falling on the wallet- Oooooooh, mullah, mullah!

Kraven follows Viktor and Erika towards the exit-

Kid: Look, mommy! There's a funny-looking guy with a black eye and a bump on his head!

Kraven: … GAH!

Soren: -shrugs- eh…! –sits down. Everyone looks at him. He looks at everyone. ………. Silence- Hmmm… Okay. –gets up and leaves, realising that he is clearly unwanted there.

Lucian: -sighs in relief- It's about time.

Suddenly, they all hear a shriek coming from the washroom.

Everyone: O.O

-Moment of silence-

Selene: -sits up straight- Michael!

And then Michael pops out back in his chair, along with a soft 'ding!'…. nah, just kidding.

Actually, he wobbled his way back to the table, more likely.

Michael: -sits down as if nothing has happened- You guys have no idea what happened to me in the washroom! -no one's answering so he continues- So I got in the washroom and puked my soul out ----

Sonja: … -closes her eyes in abhorrence and hold up her hand- Save it, please?

Michael: … Yeah, so when I came out of the cabin, I saw a woman passing in front of me, so I figured out that I was in the LADIES' bathroom!

Sonja: -turns to Selene- So, that's the scream we heard before!

Selene: Most probably.

Michael: I'm not finished! So, I hurried out of the washroom and a woman happened to pass by. Seeing me coming out of the washroom and thinking that this was the MEN's washroom, she went in the other one! -bursts out laughing and ends up screaming of laughter-

Everyone: o.O

Michael: -laughter ending suddenly- So, did I miss something?

Selene: -shrugging- Oh, nothing special, except Lucian humiliating Viktor.

Michael: -looks down- Aw, damn the brains!

In the meantime, near the exit---

Soren: -looks weirdly at Kraven and points at black eye- What happened to you--- -sees the lump and his finger shifts upwards- … Ow… -dumbly-

Kraven: -takes a deep breath and with Greek accent- Inside zis lump… vaz my twin.

Soren, Viktor, and Erika: O.O

Kraven: ... Mi scusi, I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding yesterday. Long story short, that big sack of shite over there punched me.

Viktor: -rolls eyes- Then, I shall go and congratulate him.

At this moment, a Indian waiter passes by with a huge empty tray that he's transporting with one hand above his head. When he passes beside Kraven, this one knocks his head onto the tray.

Kraven: OW! -falls to the floor-

Waiter with an Indian accent: -stops walking- Oooh, I'm soorie, soorie, soorie!

Kraven: -gets up- 

Viktor: -to the waiter- Don't be sorry. We all do it. –effortlessly punches Kraven who falls to the floor again-

Kraven: X+ Ow...

Viktor: See? And moreover, if feels good.

Waiter: -looking frightened, scurries off-

Kraven: -Gets up and rubs his jaw- That's it, rub it in...

Soren suddenly hits him.

Kraven: OW! WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW?

Soren: I don't know... he said it felt good hitting you. -chuckles- Hehe, that's kinda true... wanna try, Erika?

Kraven: NOOOOO! Don't touch me! Let's leave this place!

Unidentified and irritating voice: Are you looking for some place to sit?

-A very old waitress is standing behind them, this smug expression on her face-

Viktor: -sternly- No, we were just leaving.

Kraven: -mutters exasperatingly- Where is she coming from, now?

Soren: Uh... from the kitchen? -receives Kraven and Viktor's glares- I'll shut up, now.

Old waitress: Nah, you can't leave like that! Not when you haven't tasted the Chef's speciality!

Erika: And what is that? Veal lungs?

Waitress: Nah, nah, nah, today's specialty is black pudding!

Erika: O.O What's that, now?

Kraven: Dried blood sausage. -Erika glares at him as to remember him of-- - Don't look at me like that! It was his fault! -points at Soren-

Soren: What, now? -shoots hands in the air-

Viktor: Let's leave this place. -glares around the place- These mortals are starting to get on my nerves.

Erika and Soren follow him to the exit.

Kraven: -tries to get away- Wait for---

Waitress: -grabs him by the arm- Nah, nah, nah, you're staying with me! -drags him back into the restaurant-

Kraven: -slow motion- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	3. Mishaps 1

Here it is! Another Underworld bloopers chapter! Can't get enough! This one will be about some goofs that could've happened during the filming of the movie. Now get there, read, laugh your ass off, enjoy, and REVIEW!

The elevator scene. Michael rushes to the elevator, gets in it, and the doors close. At the other end of the corridor, Selene runs after him and gets in front of the elevator to find that the doors are closed.

**Selene**: -banging on the door- Shit!

A few floors below, Lucian is standing in front of the elevator, waiting for Michael to come out to freak the hell out of the guy. At least thirty seconds pass, during which Lucian has the time to think about what he'll say to Michael.

**Lucian**: -thinking- _Uh, what about "Say your prayers, Corvin" ? Uh, nah… he'll probably soil himself and I DON'T want that to happen… wait… do I? _–has a sudden idea - _Oooh! I know! "Michael Corvin, welcome among us"… nah, sounds too nice. And… old. Am I old? Shite…! I AM! Noooo! But, I still got my mojo! So… I know what I could be doing tonight! Wait... talking about doing stuff… what the HELL am I doing here! _–small gasp – O.O! SHITE!

At this moment, Selene arrives by the whole she's made in the floor with the help of her guns. She glares at Lucian and raises her guns, ready to shoot. But then…

**Lucian**: O.O What the fuck' you doing here!

**Selene**: O.O What the heck are YOU doing?

**Lucian**: What, what am "I" doing! What in the blue hell are YOU doing here!

**Selene**: -frowns- Where's Michael?

**Lucian**: -shoots hands in the air- I don't know! He was supposed to be here… -looks at watch- at least two minutes ago!

**Voice coming from elevator: **Uh… I am! Or… am I!

**Lucian and Selene**: O.O

**Lucian**: -looking around him- Uh… Michael? Is that you, man? –sniffs the air-

**Voice coming from elevator:** No, shit. It's the Pope.

**Lucian**: -knocks on the door of the elevator – whispers- Are you in there, dude?

**Michael inside elevator:** No, shit. I'm in Honolulu. …(A/N: HEHE! I'm GOING THERE! In.. 8 days! its Marie btw P ) Why did the lights go off? – soft thud – Ow.

**Lucian**: Uh, well… I think you're stuck in there, Mike…

- Silence -

**Michael inside elevator**: -blank expression on his face - shrieks like a little girl - EEEEEEEEE! I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC! GET ME OUT OF THERE!

**Selene and Lucian**: O.O

**Lucian**: -looks at Selene- That guy needs help…. –adds - In both ways.

After several minutes, they got Michael out of the elevator, a white, horrified face coming along with him.

* * *

Take two of the elevator scene. Michael rushes to the elevator, gets in it, and the doors close. At the other end of the corridor, Selene runs after him and gets in front of the elevator to find that the doors are closed.

**Selene**: -banging on the door- Shit!

A few seconds later, Michael gets to the main floor and this time, the doors of the elevator open to reveal Lucian standing there, a dark expression on his face.

**Michael**: O.O

**Lucian**: Hello, Michael. –thinks- _Wicked._

At this moment, Selene arrives by the whole she's made in the floor with the help of her guns. She glares at Lucian and raises her guns, ready to shoot. She does, actually, and the bullets reach Lucian right in the chest and head.

Just in time, he grabs Michael and drags him along with him on the floor. Then he opens his mouth WIDE OPEN and takes a bite of his shoulder.

Selene runs towards them and grabs Michael by his foot, dragging him along with her. But when she does, she drags Lucian along with Michael.

**Lucian**: Aaaagaaah!

**Selene**: - looks behind - What the fuck! – tugs at Michael's foot -Let him go!

**Lucian**: I -an't! (translation: _I can't!_)

**Selene**: What d'ya mean, you can't? Let go of him, for heaven's sake! –tugs at Michael's foot -

**Michael**: -starts whimpering -

**Lucian**: -manages to say- I s-uck! (translation: _I'm stuck!_)

**Michael**: O.O -Homer Simpson fashion- AAHH!

* * *

Michael is in Ordonghaz, unconscious (or is he, really?), lying on the bed in Selene's room, while she is gone to meet Kraven. Anyway, Erika is in the room with Michael, and she's just walking around the room, taking some quick glimpses at him. And then she hears a soft snoring sound.

-snoring sound-

**Erika**: O.o

Anyway, she goes back to what she was doing (by the way, nothing) and then…

**Michael**: -mumbles- Hmmm…

**Erika**: -turns her head towards Michael-

**Michael** : -mumbles in a very soft voice while grinning in his sleep- Hmmm… sugar… Hmm… spice… saw the mark on my shoulder… wasn't me… words that I told her… -snores- wasn't me… shut up!

**Erika**: … -whimpers- Help!

* * *

Selene has captured Singe, that lycan scientist, and has brought him in the Elders' Resting Chamber, where Viktor is sitting in his throne and Kraven is standing in the corner. Singe is held by chains on the cold floor as Selene holds a gun to his head and Viktor is deadly glaring at him.

…………

**Singe**: … down through the ages to Michael Corvin.

**Selene**: O.O

**Viktor**: -glares-

-Kraven leaves the chamber-

**Singe**: His blood allows for a perfect union between our species.

**Viktor**: There can be no such union. And to speak of it is heresy.

**Singe**: We'll see. Once Lucian has injected - -

**Viktor: **Lucian is dead.

**Singe**: According… to whom? -wiggles eyebrows madly-

**Viktor and Selene: **O.O

**Viktor**: … What the hell!

**Singe**: -stops wiggling eyebrows- Vhat? Ah, you mean zis? -wiggling eyebrows madly-

**Selene**: -points- AAH! –runs away -

**Singe**: Crap! I thought this was supposed to impose the vice of the sentence!

**Viktor**: … -.- … Not if you want to look like a bloody transvestite.

* * *

Take two of the scene. Selene has captured Singe, that lycan scientist, and has brought him in the Elders' Resting Chamber, where Viktor is sitting in his throne and Kraven is standing in the corner. Singe is held by chains on the cold floor as Selene holds a gun to his head and Viktor is glaring deadly at him.

…………

**Singe**: … somehow, his body was able to change the disease. Mould it to his benefit. And he became the first true immortal. -pauses-

**Selene**: -after a few seconds, squeezes his shoulder with her hand. Bloody results-

**Singe**: Amah! And years later, he fathered at least three children who inherited of the same trait.

**Viktor**: The sons of the Corvinus clan. One bitten by bat, one by wolf, and one to walk the lonely road of mortality as a human. It's a ridiculous legend, nothing more.

**Singe**: It may be, but our species too had a common ancestor.

**Viktor**: There is a descendant of Corvinus lying there! -points at Marcus's tomb- Not three feet------ O.O

To everyone's horror, a mangled body sat up from it's tomb, holding his hand up, waving like the Queen of England. After a few seconds, it disappeared back in its tomb.

**Everyone**: -major O.O –

**Viktor**: Holy… fuck…!

-silence-

**THUD!** Kraven fainted.

-silence-

**Singe**: I think I just soiled myself…

* * *

In the sewers, close to the end. Kraven has just shot Lucian in the back and is running away, praying not to meet Viktor or any of the Death Dealers. He then sees a ladder up against a wall and climbs, climbs, climbs.

Being on top of it, he bends a little to see if anyone's coming. He looks to his left, and then to his right and takes a double take at what he sees. Viktor is strolling down the place with four Death Dealers behind him, guns in hands.

**Kraven**: O.O Holy, mother of God!

Actually, it turned out that he had bent down a little TOO MUCH and falls over THE OTHER SIDE of the wall. A few feet below, Viktor is walking, glaring around the place.

**Unknown voice getting louder and louder: **aaaaaAAA**AAHHHHHH**!

Viktor stops walking, looking around him, and sees something falling to the floor a few feet away. Guess what?

-thud-

**Kraven**: X.+ Ow.

**Viktor**: O.O –looks down, up, down, and up, and then down again – turns to Death Dealers – Rule number 83: Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER….. EVER, EVER, EVER… attempt climbing a ladder to get away from your enemy.

**Death Dealer number 1**: Yeah… -to Death Dealer number 2 – He's a bit of an idiot, isn't he?

**Kraven**: Sorry... that wasn't supposed to happen. Guess I screwed up.

**Viktor**: … AGAIN.

**Kraven**: -getting up- Ow, ow, ow… someone please give me an Advil… -realizes that his elbow is stuck in the mouth of a lycan corpse- AAAHH! -jumps around and ends up dancing on spot doing the Chicken Dance- GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

**Death Dealer number 3** : -leans towards DD 1 and 2 – Not only is he an idiot, he's also a wuss.

**Viktor**: -.- -brings his hand to his forehead – And I left "THIS" in charge.

* * *

The Biting scene. Selene is drinking Michael's blood while Lucian is dying. She certainly hopes this will keep Michael alive, when she feels being pulled off him and thrown against the wall. Then, she sees Viktor grabbing Michael by the shirt and raising him up in the air. But then Michael's shirt starts to rip and the poor guy falls to the floor, without his T-shirt.

**Michael**: -high pitched voice- Ow. My ass.

**Selene**: O.O

**Viktor**: -looks at T-shirt- O.O -looks at Michael- O.O Right. -throws T-shirt in Michael's face- Go change!

**Michael**: -whimpers- My t-shirt!

**Viktor**: This rubbish?

**Michael**: -continues his whimpering-

**Selene**: -can't help herself to say- Good Lord, Mike, I wasn't aware of that side of you…!

Lucian slightly opens his eyes, and notices, offstage, that Kraven is holding his fist to his mouth to avoid the laughter. But then… Kraven's expression of mockery changes into one of anxiety and horror… HIS FUCKING FIST IS STUCK IN HIS FUCKING MOUTH!

Kraven starts moaning and whimpering as dancing around the spot, again. Lucian snorts, and, to avoid the laughter, closes his eyes with a small smile. Kraven has no choice but to ask the others for help.

**Kraven**: -appearing onscreen- I--- I s-uck! I s-uck! (Translation I'm stuck! I'm stuck!)

**Selene, Michael, and Viktor: **O.O

**Selene**: What the fuck?

**Kraven**: I s-uck!

**Viktor**: Yeah. We know you suck, bloody git.

**Michael**: You know, dude, whimpering and jumping around like that almost makes me feel pity for you. _Almost_.

**Selene**: -quickly- Um… Okay, guys! I invite everyone for a quick bite, who wants to come? –nervous laughing-

**Everyone**: -look at Kraven, but then look back at Selene -

**Viktor**: - smirks - Why not?

**Michael**: I'm definitely in!

**Lucian**: -hops to his feet in a Shawn Michaels fashion- So am I!

Everyone agrees and Selene, Michael, Viktor, and Lucian go away, leaving a whimpering Kraven behind, still with his fist stuck in his mouth.

**Kraven**: Hey! Ah, -huck! (translation Ah, fuck!)

* * *

Amelia's train arrives. She's strolling down the aisle of the train with the Counsel Members following her. The atmosphere is nothing but serious and dark, when they hear an unidentified voice coming from outside the train. Then, a short young boy appears in the doorway, wearing glasses and a scar in shape of a lightening on the forehead, holding a map.

**Members of the Counsel: **Holy cricket, it's Harry Potter!

**Harry Potter**: Er… Yes? –silence- Can you please tell me if this is the Hogwarts Express?

**Amelia**: O.o The what?

**Harry Potter**: Bloody hell, Ron! You flobberworm, I told you we should've turned left instead of right!

**Voice of Ron, outside**: Merlin, Harry! It's not my fault if my dad's Ford Angelina's all fucked up again! Stupid willow…

**Harry Potter: **Bloody hell…. – turns around and looks at the Council – I am so sorry for this disturbance, forgive us.. –turns back to the door and stalks out roaring – RON! I'm driving this time! Merlin knows when were bloody gonna get there!

**Members of the Council**: O.o

* * *

–heavy indian accent- Thank you.. and come again!

Lol click on the little thing down there that says SUBMIT REVIEW! . Shvanks…


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